


You, You, You

by bingkai_dunia



Series: Paradise Lost [2]
Category: TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Choi Soobin-Centric, Heavy Angst, Hurt Choi Soobin, Inner Dialogue, Lots of it, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 14:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19007947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bingkai_dunia/pseuds/bingkai_dunia
Summary: "I hate you so much."





	You, You, You

 

 

I hated you so much, you know?

I couldn’t remember your face really clearly—but I could, somehow, picture your lopsided smile and dark strands of hair inside my consciousness. And I could, somehow, imagine the freckles which dusted your flushed cheeks and the sounds of chiming bells when you were laughing. I could vividly paint you in yellow—in gold. Your little moles and deer-shaped eyes left a painfully sweet picture between my black and white memories and it stayed even until now.

If I were given the chance to meet you again, in any circumstances, I would gladly take it by heart. I would give anything in a change of your existence. I would—but not now. Not never.

I refused to.

Because now you were gone. Gonegone _gone_.

( _I will never see you again, never touch you again_.)

By the time I realize the pain and suffering that rested behind your eyes—it was already too late. And by the time I decided to let you go—you began to fade away, little by little.

And I hated it—the way you kept disappearing every time I wanted to remind you by.

I hated it so, so much.

_(I don't want you to be gone, I'd never wanted to let go—but they said that I have to, but it painful, so painful and I'm hurt. Hey, will you come back?)_

They said that you'd gone too far. There was no coming back. I couldn’t see you again. I couldn’t feel you again. I couldn’t meet you again.

I blocked them out of my mind.

Because the idea to forget you—it was too absurd for me. Too cruel, I'd say.

But they kept on ranting about how a dead person—yes, they were talking about you, how stupid—should not harness my future.

I ignored them.

But they were too pertinacious. They kept on ranting and ranting until I was sick of it and did what they want to shut them off.

So I tried—

I tried to forget you and move on with my pathetic life. And at first, it was okay. I was okay. But then, things began to change. I was afraid to move on, it  _hurt_  to do so when you were not here with me. I couldn’t remember you anymore. I began to forget. You were only a caricature of some sorts, a greyscale, blurry picture. And by the time the month ended—you were gone thorughly.

It was painful, to see you slipping away. Because every day I spent without you the memories of your smile and laugh and everything began to disappear little by little.

That's why I decided to shut the world off. I decided to break off my connection with the outside world—because they always tried to take you away from me.

I hoped you understand.

_(You do? Don't you?)_

I loved you. So much that I felt like breaking every time I caught the familiar shade of yellow that exclusively reserved for you from the corner of my eyes. Sadly, the harsh truth was, it was not yours. Never yours.

I was sorry.

Even though I hated you so much— _I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you so, so much_ , I chanted again and again—but I couldn’t help to love you.

Sorry because I couldn’t save you.

Sorry because I couldn’t love you enough.

Sorry because I'd let you die.

_(I'm sorry, Kai.)_

“Patient Choi Soobin?”

I stepped away from the window. A white-cloaked woman was standing at the door, staring at me.

“It’s time for your regular examination,” she smiled, and yet it looked so fake. “Are you ready?”

_I’m not_ , I wanted to say _, let me out this hellhole_ , I wanted to say, _I’m not crazy,_ I wanted to say.

_(But who would listen to me anyway?)_

“Yes, I am ready.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Despite my doubts, I posted the second part anyway! I hope you like it despite the angst! I know it's a bit short but if I have the time I'll make sure to post another part to explain their backstory. But then again it depends on the feedback from yall hhehe :)


End file.
